Life Without Love Isn't Love
by Sacherine
Summary: It's about Ellie's life and her cutting that won't go away.
1. Chapter 1

Disc.: I am in no control of Degrassi characters.

I only own the plot of my story.

Rating: M

Summary: Ellie's cutting problem gets out of control.

"Shh, El, we'll work this out." They laid on the couch, watching the t.v. program but Ellie can't help thinking back to the day.

*Flashback*

I rip through the dresser drawer, panicking that someone found my knife. I didn't want them to figure out that I had been cutting. Rolling up the sleeves, I'll show you my scars.

*End flashback*

"I guess my CD collection just got a lot bigger," Sean said, taking my CD out of my bag, and smiling.

He opened it and his face fell.

"Sean I..." "I thought you stopped." His voice was laced with venom, I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't tell him that I cut almost everyday.

But then, at the same time, I couldn't lie.

"Not exactly." I looked down at my feet and bit my lip. Sean got up from the couch and took the CD case from my hands. He opened it up and examined its contents- razor blades, switch blades, pocket knives, and my favorite (the compass).

"God, do you really hate yourself that much!?" I wanted to cry.

"Do I look like a fucking people person!? Sean, I am PREGNANT!"

He stopped. Everything stopped.

"What did you say!?"

"Sean, in case your hearing is impaired, you ejaculated me and I got PREGNANT!" "No! I can't deal with this!" He turned away and said, "Get out!"

Ellie was crying. By the time, she got to the apartment, Alex was there already with Jay. She saw Ellie and walked up to her. "What's wrong?" "Sean. I told him about my, you know...?" Alex sighed. She knew how bad it got when she was stressed. She had seen a best friend die from slashing her wrist. "Look, a group of us are hanging by the Ravine tonight. If I were you, I'd come. Help you cool off." She looked at Jay. "What about him...?" She knew he hated her with the 'Vampire' label. And he was mouthing it to her now. Alex: Don't make me pound you Jay...!

Jay made a funny face and backed off into his car.

Sean stirred from his sleep and rubbed his eyes, checking the time: 5:45. He got up to pour his milk and cereal but just as he was about to pop it into his mouth, he thought about Ellie. She didn't look too good and he was pretty pissed when she left. He was pissed at her for cutting and himself for making her feel like shit knowing all there is to know. Her home life wasn't too good with a drunk half- the- time mom and father who's busying himself with the army. She just cut to make herself feel less and less of the pain.

"Are we going to go or leave the Vamp here?" Jay. Pain in the ass. Jackass. Douchebag. Alex jumped into the car and hit his arm. "What did I do to you, abusive girlfriend...?"

"Gee Jay, we're all friends, aren't we...?"

Jay drove them to the Ravine. It was packed.

Amy was sucking lips with her male friend when she spotted the group. "Where's Sean...?" Jay shrugged. "Vamp and him got into a fight."

She rolled her head back and laughed. "Are you serious?" Ellie glared. She hated this major whore. Amy got up and stood in front of her. "What's your problem blood sucker?!"

He didn't know what he was talking about. The pregnancy or the cutting. Maybe it was both? He sighed and sat down with his milk and carton. Maybe, he was just blaming her. She got pregnant on her own. He was mad and went to Emma's house. He climbed down her window and they fucked until 1 a.m. They didn't talk. They just went straight to it and she got the point. Sean was driving into her at will with his blood boiling. He slid in and out, in and out until they both couldn't take it anymore and he let himself go.

The next day, he had a hell of a buzz and quickly sat up. "Em? Emma!" He fiercely shook from what happened last night.

Ellie slammed the door to her house and slid down. She couldn't believe Amy taunted her about having sex with Sean. What they had was pure. What he had with Amy. That was NOT pure!

Alex stared at her friend. "Dude, you didn't have to do that." Amy: I had to save you all from being hypnotized. And Jesus, she is a psycho with the cutting! "Amy, lay off."

Emma pulled her clothes on in embarrassment. She wanted to vomit vile in the toilet. Sean also felt sick in the stomach. They stared at each other. "You better go home," she said quietly.

The shower was running cold water as he sat in the tub. He had been there for an hour. Ellie was already getting worried. She did the only thing she could, haul him out, soaking her wet and half dragged him to their room. She dumped him on the bed and glared. "Are you happy!?"

"No," he snapped. He fished for a cigarette. "Where did you learn to do that?"

It was a habit he picked up from Jay. A bad habit but something he learned to do quite well.

"Can you just answer me...? Are you going to be around...?"

"Listen El, I did something bad and you're going to hate it."

"Sean," she said. He looked like he had been crying. His eyes had a red tint. "What's going on...?"

He was paranoid. "El, I can't!"


	2. Chapter 2

"Don't fulfill them if you can't make promises."

"It's not a good idea to piss off a load of friends."

"Sean, you'll regret it...!"

Alex and Jay made out heavily against his car. He pushed down the fly of her pants and slipped his fingers in slowly and Alex knew just how talented he can be. She wanted him to skip torturing her with his experienced hands and just get to the sex part. They went into the back.

"El, I did something you won't be able to forgive me for." He began to cry. All because of a stupid blade.

And the baby.

What was he going to do? Emma is probably pissed off at him. Ellie is going to be. Let's face it, he two timed and came out the loser.

"Sean, just tell me," she sighed. Her mom is already livid at her as it is. "Ellie, what I have to tell you is something BIG."

He didn't tell her.

But he couldn't stop going to the Ravine either. She was like an addiction. One he couldn't get over.

Emma and him would meet up for a bracelet. It was a regular pattern. Messing around. Fooling around.

And Emma. She's changing too. She allowed herself to be his conquest even if it wasn't love. The old Emma would be giving him a lecture. The old Emma. He chuckled. "Am I convenient?"

That stopped it. No. He had to stop it!

Ellie. Emma! Ellie!

Ellie! Ellie! Ellie!

"Just think Jay, in a few weeks, we'll be getting out of here."

"Yay, can't wait to get away from the curse of a school." They were passing the time now. "Why don't you invite the crew over," she asked him and puffed on the cigarette.

Emma clawed at his back as he slid in. She was clearly confused. He told her to stop, didn't he...?

"Just deliver the package," Jay warned to the mysterious figure. "It'll get delivered."

She stopped him. "May I ask why I'm even letting you do this...?" She knew she was using him to replace Chris and Melinda. But, she didn't know Sean was doing the same thing. "It's to hurt Ellie, okay..."

That's not right. In fact, it really did make her sick.

"Why can't you STOP," he mocked. He was going faster and she bounced on the bed.

"Sean, you're going crazy!" He panted and finally released. His eyes widened and her eyes widened.

Jay lit up the pot and handed it to her. "That was fun rough and tumble, huh?"

Alex: And lots of condoms, beer, and sex.

"At this rate, I'm feeling a party and celebration to your loss of virginity." He pointed at Ellie. She looked down at her flat stomach and felt deeply agitated. "I don't know what we're going to do..."

Alex snapped at Jay. "You made me get an abortion...?!"

Jay: I was 12 and you were 13!

Sean did get an advice from Craig, Spinner, and Jimmy. They told him he was making a mistake, cheating on Ellie.

He felt himself climb out of her window. Again. That night.

Whatever it was, he couldn't stop messing with her.


	3. Chapter 3

Emma scrubbed at herself hard. Why was she feeling so dirty? Used?

It was Sean. She should be proud of their time together.

She looked at the mirror. Why was she dressed like a good girl when it was fake.

Good girls didn't feel like douchebags.

Good girls wasn't almost raped.

She can't believe she just gave her virginity. Darcy was supposed to be the saint of all Degrassi. Pure. Embodiment of perfect.

The Van meant nothing.

Absolutely nothing. No one will know she had sex with her cousin. It was just a hookup.

That was all it was.

Yeah. Just a hookup.

Or, yeah right!

_Drunk Jay and drunk Darcy went to the Van together. He laid her down and was on top of her. Her clothes were off. His was coming off. _

She did incest.

Jay crashed against the floor after venting out. He screamed and threw the t.v. It shattered and broke the recliner. He was morbid!

"I'm a fuckin INCEST!"

He actually had tears. Tears of rage.

Ellie put the knife up to her wrist. She thought about how the day went. With Amy talking, her mom's screaming, and finally the subsequent fire from the last fight with Sean, she snatched her wrist back and threw down the knife. No. She wasn't going to do it. Her inner thoughts were so loud and in turmoil that she just dropped it.


	4. Chapter 4

"Two lines, isn't it obvious...?" She looked down at the stick she was holding. He yanked it out of her hand. "Let me see!"

"Babe, geez, you can't be pregnant." "Why the Hell not," she looked at him feeling uneasy. "Because, you're looking at your incest gross boyfriend."

"We just messed around once," he shouted at her retreating form. She went to strike but he grabbed her smaller hand in his. "Lexxi, STOP IT!" "Stop what," she growled out. "For it to be convenient for you...?"

"Oh, you were feeling selfish, ey...?" "Jackass!" She pushed him back.

He frowned. "Look, I'll even get checked for STD." Her eyes widened. "Oh, STD...?"

Jesus. He was in trouble. A sore throat was always a sign of Gonorrhea. And that's what came out.

Alex paced around outside when Jay came out. His head was down with his hat leaving a part of his hair. His look was crazy. "Well," she tapped impatiently but he wouldn't talk.

"Gonorrhea," he mumbled. "What was that...?"

"You had sex with me. And you know the funny thing that happened was my throat started to itch... I can't believe you did that shit!"


	5. Chapter 5

She swung at him again, hitting the side of his head.

"I come home to hear my dad screaming. My mom crying. And work my ass off only to find my boyfriend cheating on me! With his cousin! Am I that ugly that you can't come to me but to your COUSIN!?"

"Well, congrats! You hurt me!"

She was having the time of her life trying to keep the tears in bay.

He was trying to stop Alex from moving out. "If you want to hear from your kid, you'll find me at Ellie's."

She slammed the door so hard that it rattled.

Emma took a short cut to the Ravine. She heard music coming from a car. An Orange car. An Orange Honda Civic to be precise.

She went and he opened it. "Get in, I'm going for a drive!"

"Jay, the speed limit's 20 miles per hour!"

"I don't see it." "It's right on the sign...!"

"Sorry flower girl, but who's the driver...?"

"Just slow down! I don't want to die with you...!"

Earth girl is really pissin' me off. Didn't she know what Alex and I had was over. And I needed high speed chase. Anything to get my mind off.

I can just imagine her talking about me behind my back. What was she saying to everyone to get them on the 'Jay Hate Club...?'

It doesn't matter. What's done is done. It's over.

I screwed up a perfectly good relationship and gave myself STD for being incest. God, I am such a dog!

A sicko!

Fantastic. He just dropped me off and left me here. Vacant lot. No parked cars. No cars in sight.

I'm miles and miles from civilization.

Then, I saw him. Standing there, leering at me and my short skirt. I pulled it down and blushed.

It was a comic site. Watching her pull the dress down. Gods, it had me licking my chops. I can get some tonight if I wanted her, I can have her.

I'll take it.


	6. Chapter 6

"What the Hell did you give me...?" What was in this concoction.

I let it roll off my tongue a little bit, squished it, and chugged it.

It was sour.

Tart.

Icky.

"Tasted like piss." I pass.

Jay sneered. "Alcohol, sweetheart."

Oh boy, mom would really love that her daughter came home with a criminal boyfriend, drunk by him too and had her first shot of Ever Clear.

I don't get why she push my buttons and why I let her. I am a bad boy. Jay FREAKIN' Hogart! I don't do by Greenpeace's rules. I live my own. Fuck rules. Screw teachers!

He gave me more of the same liquid and I drank each one. He was surprised I can hold it in.

"Here, have some Orange juice. You'll be getting a buzz pretty soon..."

He's torturing me with this alcohol stuff. But I didn't exactly say 'no.'

In fact, I finished the whole thing.

Huge ass jug came next. I finished that too.

She wasn't reluctant. That's for sure. I'm intrigued.

She should have protested vehemently. But, she let me pass it to her.

What is wrong with the situation is that I like her.


	7. Chapter 7

Emma wanted to impress me with a turn on.

And I was happy to oblige. I looked at her. Nude. Blankets wrapped around her. In all her glory baring her body for 'Me.' It was amazing. When she fucked and screamed was even more amazing, knowing I did it. I made un- virtuous little things come out of her virtuous little mouth.

Not Sean. Not the dork. Not prince charming. 'Me!'

He had chest muscles. We actually had sex and were going for a second round. I supplied my legs to him and when I nodded to him to go back in, he cracked my opening and had me scream the second time. The first was painful and non- gentle. Rough. Hard. Uncomfortable. This. This. I don't know how to define it. But, I guess it was amazing.

She was asleep and I took time to enjoy the moment, trying to recapture it and capture it again.

If I had a camera for this, I'd be rich.

Snake went everywhere looking for her.

They went to the police even.

"Blond. Tall. Brown eyes. Have you seen her...?"

I offer her a pill and she takes it. I offer her my dick and she takes it. I give her Coc and she takes it.

She invited me into her loss of virginity.

I would be a bastard to say no.

This girl got me.


	8. Chapter 8

Pristine Emma is no more. I had lost my virginity. Jay woke up and he groaned. He stretched and got up. Showered and got dressed. Then, came back out fully clothed for what they had planned today. "Feel like goin' for a ride...?" "Mid- morning. With you...? Defiantly."

"Pristine Emma did the naughty with Jay Hogart," he smiled letting his dimples show. "Cute blush you have there..."

And so, they went to the countryside. Nice and a warm breeze to start their day. She collapsed against him with their Ice Cream cones. She licked his. "Hey, down doggy."

"I'd hate to say goodbye to this place and face everyone when we get back."

"I know what you mean," he sighed. He meant it. He did hate it.

In Toronto, everything went unsmoothly for a few concerned parents. Snake is still asking around and Spike is just kind of lost.

In Oxville

There's only two of us

Flying together

We'll return to the place where we were

Emma was sitting on Jay's lap in his car with him driving, kissing him. Using the empty hand, she jerked him off. Jay moaned and tried to push her back into the seat. "Baby, we'll get into an accident if you don't stop." "Jay, this is the only time I can get away from the Degrassi drama and I'm taking full use. With. My. Mouth. On. Yours'."

I had left behind my innocence in Toronto. And being here with Jay made me realize it.

"Little Miss Nelson is growing out of her shy shell." No. Little Miss Nelson 'leaped' over that fence.

I didn't mean to hit him! Emma made me so mad that I just lost complete control! He should have gotten out of my way! I tried to reach out for him but he cried and jerked back. It's these meds! I know it! They gave me painkillers for my headaches but I misused them. I made a narcotics replacement out of counter drugs.

I cried as Spike left me. She couldn't handle it all. I winded up keeping Jack. She didn't want anything to do with us. In a way, I was abandoned.

I don't think it's right she's abandoning her family. She is a work- a- holic these days, always drowning away in her job. I can't take it away and yet felt neglected.

Jack. I punched him this time. I was just so frustrated that I struck out and knocked him into a vulnerable and completely innocent coffee table. His head smashed against it and it gave him a big cut.

There was a lot of blood and less time to clean it.

What the Hell is happening to me...? Why can't I think straight...?

Emma, where are you...? Spike, where are you...?! I need someone's help.


	9. Chapter 9

I came home to a nasty finding. Furniture wrecked, toys scattered about, and the baby lying on the ground unconscious. I am in shock and looked to Jay for help. He took care of the Jack part while I confronted my step- father. He told me that Jack fell but I know he's hiding something. I am pretty pissed to find out my mom left.

I needed her and she left!

Snake: Little bitch thinks she can just up and come back after she flew off without a trace. Isn't that right, Emma...?

What is wrong with his eyes. The way he is looking at me, is scary. Creepy. Demented.

"Snake, I was gone for a while."

He came at me, swinging punches. I ducked and dodged until Jay grabbed him and hurled him across the room. He skidded and fell. I was in shock again.

Mr. S. is out of control. I whispered to Emma and she nodded and went to do what I instructed. Get his things and come with me. I have 2 new guests.

4 weeks later:

"Well, can you afford a damn apartment cause I don't want to live in a cramped trailer."

"It's a place," he said nervously.

She bit her lip. "Fine, but I still think it looks cheap."


	10. Chapter 10

We moved into this shabby trailer. Me, Jay, and the little Tike.

Jack is growing very attached to Jay, messing up and calling him daddy. But Jay didn't mind. He loved that little boy. And so do I. We both did.

Jack got sick one night and I ran to the emergency room with him. They said it was Shaking Baby Syndrome. I thought of that bastard Snake and wanted to knock some sense into him. Him and Spike. They had no right to be so messed up.

I am determined to ring up Spike. She has to know and come see him. She owes us!

Jack will one day move on from her and defiantly Snake cause he's the one who hurt him.

They both threw him away and I pity him.

Because everyone else is too fucked up.

Where is my friend, Jack Daniel's? I stumbled into the kitchen to try and reach for my booze. I haven't cleaned it for ages and let the bugs come in. It scares me that I am drunk and not cleaning. I used to be very neat and fashionable. But now, I am late for work.

I am a crappy father and step- father. Emma basically told me I was out. And she will never talk to Spike again. I am psychotic. I need help.


	11. Chapter 11

I loved Snake and he loved us. But, when he started to get deranged, he changed.

Angry. Mental. Violent. A piece of piss. But, I guess my mom was the cause.

She left him.

I love my little man, Jack. I told him my car would be his when he grows up and I was telling the truth.

I am rarely like this with anyone else. But Jack and Emma are my guests. Are my lover and adopted (in a way) kid.

I don't regret it. Even if the circumstance was bad.

I need to see them. I need to see my Emma and Jack. And Snake, in some way. No, I lost my love for him but during the time we were apart, I came to a realization that I needed to grow up and take charge again.

I made a mistake okay...?


	12. Chapter 12

"Mom, what are you 'DOING' here," I said stomping my foot. "And how did you get my address...?"

"Snake. I went to see him and he..." But I put a stop to it. I didn't want to hear what she had to say. Come so she can 'make it up' to me. "No, mommy, you're not going to start this crap."

I needed her to stay away. Not just do the disappearing act. "Why, my life is great!"

Lady, you missed out!

"Look Spike 'cause I can't call you mom', my life is fine and Jay is making me happy. Now, you come waltzing in like you own the place and tell me sorry too late...? Well, you are SO not WELCOME!"

"As far as Snake, you cheated HIM!"

"Em, I need you to forgive mommy." She seemed healthier, I must admit. Less like a 40 years old smoking house wife. My guess, Snake didn't truly make her satisfied.

"You need to do what's right by you." I sighed. I want her to understand that after 2 years, she had lost her privilege as my mom. My friendship and trust didn't belong to her anymore.

It belonged to someone else, Jack. I'm putting him first. That's why I need her to go. So, she doesn't meddle with his life again and then, mine.

I as her 'mother' neglected her. Her and Jack were the most important people in the world and I left. I abandoned them. In a way, left them orphans.

But Snake was instable. The whole house left with him. Sucked with him. He scared me. I had to go. I didn't belong anymore. Until I met my new husband. Ted is a good guy. Spoiling my needs. Pampering me. Taking me out. We danced every Saturday. Go bowling on Sundays. Work on Mondays. And toast to each other on Tuesdays.

"Babe," I heard my boyfriend call out. I have to make her leave now or he'd start something.

"Babe, oh, it's you."


	13. Chapter 13

I guess mom didn't get my message.

But, I did make it crystal clear. I wanted her gone.

"So, why don't you shoo," I heard Jay. I panicked and grabbed the door, yanked it open, and pushed her out.

"Leave us alone!"

I can tell Emma is bothered by it. By the way I treated her mother. Her own family like crap. Well, excuse me, but she's a bitch anyway! And I intended to treat bitches like bitches.

Cause I don't buy fairy tales' ending crap!

Jay is such a jerk. I love him for doing it, but I hate him for embarrassing me. How can I put up with him defending me all the time...?

Since I'm not a child.

"Um, why did you defend me...?"

He asked me if I can see what she's doing...? I said, "Yes, but, you didn't have to defend me."

He said, "Fine GP, but she's manipulative."

Gotta give him a break. He had never seen the other side of her.

The one I'd probably give my all for.

It's too bad for the 3 of us. it'll destroy my relationship with my mom aka 'Spike' Christine Nelson.

I wish she'll let me have her back. I'm her lover. It's my duty to protect my girlfriend if we are to be married one day.

I want to marry her. For Jack too. He's a good boy. Love the 'kid.'


	14. Chapter 14

"Yes, but you still didn't have to do it." I was waiting for an answer. And it'd better be an awesome one.

He was exasperated. "Don't make this about me!"

_"Come on Jason." She 'taunted.' "If you're so 'good', prove it. Prove you're not lying!" _

Cause I was sick of having being yelled at. It's not like she had a reason. I was defending her honor.

I guess I picked on him too much and he walked out. He's probably in his car. Brooding. Like I knew he would after I strictly told him 'it was over' if he drank.

After a fight, he always drank. I don't touch that stuff. Well, shit, not anymore with Jack.

I didn't want to have a fight with court and CPD.

Over trivial matters.

I got her in bed with me. I slammed into her, wanting to release my anger through our body communication. She looked hurt and I almost fell.

The Hell am I doing...? I let her down just right then.

I punched his chest over and over. Had no control over what I wanted to do.

When he is drunk, I am scared of him. I'm well aware it's the alcohol but excuses are a for sure way to start a fire that can't be extinguished.

The 'woe me' thing I don't like. It freaks me out the way he just assaulted me.

It was far from rape but hurt the same like he disrespected me.


End file.
